The Presidential Primaries

No. I'm not dead. Although I felt like it last week.

This week has shaken up American politics. The conventional wisdom has been turned on its head. Hil3ary and Giuliani no longer seem inevitable. In fact, if there's a lesson to be learned about this campaign so far it is that inevitability is a hell of a handicap.

Here are some random thoughts on the candidates as possible U.S. Presidents. You'll find the order weird.

Mitt Romney and John Edwards - are complete phonies. These are the two disastrous though realistic possible outcomes of this race. I figure Mitt Romney's giant melon is the result of a gypsy curse that makes it swell up whenever he tells a lie or changes his position. As for John Edwards, the word demogogue was invented to describe him. In one of my favorite comic books, Transmetropolitan by Warren Ellis and Darick Robertson, there is an evil president of the United States nicknamed the Smiler. That's John Edwards. It doesn't matter what John Edwards says in public. Trust me on this. He hates you.

And I hate them both.

Bill Richardson - Why am I still being forced to look at and listen to this man. I don't care about his resume. If you listen to him speak it becomes clear that he lacks the native judgement and common sense to be a high school principal. He certainly shouldn't be president. The word used to describe people like this is "Out of Touch". He should also get the hell out of the race. He's an unwelcome distraction at this point. I mean, at least Dennis Kucinich had wit and a smoking hot wife.

If he becomes vice president, I will follow the president around myself to jump in front of any would-be assassin's bullet.

John McCain - Would be a good president. I'm impressed with his tenacity for staying in the race. I also think he would die in office.

Rudy Giuliani - I used to think he would be a great president. Now I find his electability inconceivable. His would be a fascinating presidency. He is such a complicated man. So many strengths and yet so many flaws. A stressful presidency. Possibility of a very dangerously bellicose foreign policy but, unlike Bush, Giuliani has the intellect to back it up. He sees Al Qaeda as another organised crime family to swat. I'd enjoy seeing him get his chance.

Fred Thompson - Has been surprisingly intelligent and effective in the debates. Exudes gravitas but is apparently lazy. Oh well, Churchill was lazy.

Barack Obama - Instead of electing Hillary Clinton voters have decided to elect Bill Clinton all over again. Obama has made me officially sick of the words hope and change. I'm with Hillary. Where's the beef? He could be an amazing president though. World changing. Because charisma and rhetoric matter. He is very difficult to dislike. That can be surprisingly effective in making real change on a global change occur. Given the right moment, this man could literally change the world. Given no such moment he'll be a naive punching bag for more guile-filled men. I would welcome a Barack presidency just to watch it. Hillary would be just another president. Barack would be another JFK. (Bay of Pigs AND "Ask Not What..." included). Unfortunately, like JFK he'll have a high risk of being assassinated.

Hillary Clinton - Will say what she needs to get elected, but once in office I don't think she'll say whatever she needs to say to get re-elected. She has ideas on how she wants to run the presidency. I like that. I like her years of experience. I think she has excellent judgement and is a natural moderate. I think that her election, though, will lead to four or eight more stressful years. People simply are not reassured by her. Her presidency would try to improve on the Clinton record which is admirable (and really not all that difficult objectively speaking...). I am compelled by the arguments of some that she is extremely beholden to people she now owes many favors to.

As the race narrows I may come back with more specific predictions on what these presidencies would look like.